You Don't Trust Me

As a parent with teenagers, that line has become something I've heard more than once. And as our kids grow, we want to develop trust without it seeming to be a constant battle. Maybe this example of how to parent teenagers can help...

Does this scenario sound familiar? "The trouble with you is that you just don't trust me. If you did, you wouldn't be asking these stupid questions about where I'm going and stuff." Britney is railing against her mom's wanting some simple explanations about the party Britney and her friends are going to.
 
We've all heard this ultimate teen manipulation. Britney expects her mom to feel guilty and back off. She's hoping to hear a response like, "Of course I trust you. All I want to know is where you're going to be and … " If this happens, this typical teen can then take mom on a series of "bird walks" until she wears down and gives in while never actually getting the information she was looking for.
 
Let's give this mom a pat on the back and an extra high five for her response.
 
"Actually Britney," she says, "there are several issues here. I trust that you are very smart, I trust that you have the best of intentions, and I trust that your short 16 years of life has yet to give you the wisdom to handle all situations."
 
"Wisdom comes from intelligence combined with experience. So, yes, I trust that your wisdom will come after a lot more experience. Until you've lived long enough to have both wisdom and intelligence, I'll be asking questions so I can share my wisdom and experience."
 
"You may attend the party when you answer my questions and when I think you have seriously considered my advice. Thank you."
 
Mom didn't fall for the "You don't trust me" manipulation. You don't have to either.
 
There is a book called Love and Logic Magic When Kids Leave You Speechless that you could keep on your nightstand. When you find it hard to answer your youngster, say, "I'm not sure how to react to that; I'll get back to you." Then go to your book for the right words.

May Parenting be a Joy,

Steve

With the Thanksgiving holiday fast approaching, we are all reminded to express our thanks to others. While the holiday is one that has become a day to gather and share good times with our families, that isn't necessarily how it started. It was a time to reach out and welcome others into our homes and our lives. And to be thankful for the blessings we had received.

So I wanted to share with you many thanks for the blessing I have received here at Concord Christian Church. I am thankful for the number of people who have reached out to others in our community and have served in some of the opportunities with the Takig it to the Strets projects this past year. Many of you have already committed to serve with the Home for Christmas projects as well. I am always thankful for willing servants that give of their time and and talents.

A thank you is also given to our committed and dedicated team members that serve each and every week with our children and students. The impact you are having on the lives of our kids is possibly one of the most important things you could ever do. And I have seen that impact first hand on my own kids. As our ministries grow, even more lives will be changed and more team members will have oppotunities to be a part of it.

Thanks to all of those that help make our Reunion experience happen each week. You guys have really made Wednesday nights a lot of fun and a great learning environment for all ages.

A huge thanks to those of you who head up ministies and meet needs that many may not even realize. Those of you involved in Divorce Care, Survivors, counseling, men's ministries, women's ministries, Meals that Heal, the nursing home ministry, the kitchen team and Bread of Life, and others are leading ministries that exist because of your passion and commitment. You are truly a blessing.

And a last word of thanks to the entire church family. Thanks for your support, involvement and friendship. May God Bless you each and every day.

Steve

This week at reunion we talked about "Passing the Baton" and how God prepared Joshua to become the leader of Israel after Moses. We looked at a few passages of scripture that revealed to us how Moses did his part in preparing for a smooth exchange of leadership. In Exodus 24:13-14 we see how Joshua was groomed by being Moses aide. Deuteronomy 34:9 shows us how he was filled with the spirit of wisdom and in Numbers 27:22-23 Joshua is commissioned as Moses laid his hands on him. God had a plan in how transitions in leadership were to be done smoothly. He wasn't going to drop the baton.

And this isn't the only example....

As Jesus approached the end of his ministry on earth, he prepared those to whom he was going to pass the baton, those who were going to be the leaders in the early church. If we study the gospels, we see how he did this. In Matthew 26:36-44 we see how Jesus chose just a few to be with him in his intimate moments with God. While there were 12 who were his disciples, we see that of those 12 he had a small group of three that he invested even more of himself into. Peter, James and John spent time with Jesus that helped them become strong leaders.

In John 13 we see how Jesus prepared his disciples for his departure by modeling the role of a servant leader. And in John 14:15-17 Jesus lets his disciples know that the Spirit of truth will be with them. He was preparing these men to take the baton.

God has created a master plan for all of us. He has given us his word and provided the model of how we are to be the leaders that he wants all of us to be. Are you preparing yourself to be ready to take the baton as it is being passed to you? Or are you preparing those who are to come after you?

Parents, how are you modeling the type of person you want your kids to become? How are you preparing them to be the future leaders in the church? You can begin by talking to them about what they learned about Joshua this week and how God uses us to accomplish his plans.

Steve

Welcome to the Family Ministry Blog from Concord Christian Church. It is my intent to use this blog to help share inspirational stories, parenting help, marriage tips and other meaningful and fun ideas related to marriage and family. I encourage you to share your advice and comments as well. I want to start this blog off by sharing part of an article that I received from the Parenting with Love and Logic Institute. This comes from the support material that goes along with the course I lead called "Becoming a Love and Logic Parent." I hope you enjoy it.

Steve Petty

Family Minister, Concord Christian Church

Parents...

If you've followed Love and Logic® for any period of time, you know how strongly we believe in holding youngsters accountable for their mistakes and misdeeds. As most of us have learned the hard way, the road to wisdom and responsibility is paved with plenty of small mistakes and their consequences.

As we go about shaping the hearts and minds of our children, it's important to remember that this road is also paved with positives. While it's unrealistic…and not too healthy…to reward our kids every time they do something good, we're wise to remember the value of reinforcing good behavior and good deeds.

The healthiest and most powerful types of reinforcement involve time and attention rather than stuff. Examples include:
Sitting on the floor with your toddler as you allow them to repeatedly destroy your tower of blocks

Noticing something your teen has done well and patting them on the back

Saying to your child, "It looks like you really worked hard on that. I bet you're proud of yourself."

Playing catch

Doing a puzzle together

Etc.
As we provide reinforcement, it's wise to remember the following:
Reinforcement is more powerful when it comes as a surprise to our kids.

Reinforcement loses its power when our youngsters come to expect it.

Rewards should not be given every time our kids do something good.

When our kids beg for or demand rewards, they shouldn't get them.

Avoid saying, "You are so smart." Focus on your child's hard work and perseverance.

Your love should never be used as a reward or a consequence. Your children should have it all of the time.
The most successful parents always remember that it's their job to give their kids the most accurate taste of the real world as possible. This means that we help them understand that much of the time hard work and good deeds provide positive results. It also means helping them understand that we do these good things because they’re the right thing to do…rather than because we expect rewards for doing them.