I planted the seed in your hearts, and Apollos watered it, but it was God who made it grow.  It’s not important who does the planting, or who does the watering.  What’s important is that God makes the seed grow,”  --1 Corinthians 3:6-7

“God has made a rule for himself that he won’t alter people’s character by force.  He can and will alter them—but only if the people will let him.”  --C.S. Lewis, God in the Dock

We’ve traveled the world and communicated with thousands of people from many different cultures.  We’ve been in places where nodding your head up and down means “no” instead of “yes,” and where lighting up a big, fat, smelly cigar in church after a service is considered the height of good manners.  In our travels we’ve also noticed how friends and family members who grew up in the same city, attended the same schools, and even shared the same parents, are often so different they seem as if they’ve been rocketed to earth from entirely different planets.  If there’s one thing we’ve learned, it’s that—whether we realize it or not—spiritual communication is cross-cultural.

Sharing Empathy

As close as you might be to someone in other ways, your spiritual path has been shaped by experiences that are utterly unique to you.  It’s easy to assume that your world-view and unique way of seeing things is “the right one,” and that those closest to you will eventually embrace it because it’s so obvious.  This is one reason so many people who haven’t come to Jesus yet see their Christian friends or relatives as “narrow-minded.”  When they look at those Christians, they perceive no empathy or willingness to dialogue.  And it’s a major turnoff.

We often use this hands-on exercise to help people come to grips with the fruitlessness of insisting their way of seeing things is the only way.

All you have to do is stand face-to-face with another person, hold your hands up, and press your palms into that person’s palms.  Look the person in the eye and say simply, “I’m right!”  The other person should respond by forcefully saying, “No, I’m right!”  Go back and forth a few times.  If you’re like most people who’ve tried this, pretty soon you’ll begin pushing the other person away and then that person will begin pushing you back.  Meanwhile, with increasing volume, you’ll continue shouting at each other about how “right” you are.

Since everyone perceives the world in his or her own unique way, most people have a tendency to believe their way of seeing and thinking is “the right way.”  It’s a general lack of empathy.  And sadly, these days bringing God and the Bible into the argument on your side will rarely produce the results you’re hoping for—no matter how well-spoken you are or how good you are at debate.

As far as the person on the receiving-end of your argument is concerned, you’re just pushing back against what he or she believes with more of what you believe.  Most arguments of this sort end in a stalemate with everyone exasperated and irritated.  Does this sound anything like what you’ve experienced in your discussions with friends and family who aren’t yet Christians?

It’s one thing to be the light of the world and the salt of the earth, making people thirsty for Jesus, but it’s quite another to be irritating and argumentative.  One of the most important things we can share with our non-believing family and friends is empathy.

Please don’t get us wrong.  We believe that Jesus is “the way, the truth, and the life” and that nobody comes to the Father except through him (John 14:6).  However, we’ve seen many, many more people “loved into” God’s kingdom than “argued in.”  We’re not saying it can’t happen, just that in our experience there’s a much wiser and more effective approach.  If we pause the “hands-on” exercise we described earlier for a moment and make a minor adjustment to the approach—adding a bit of empathy—you’ll be amazed at the difference it makes.  Here’s what you can do.  Instead of countering the other person’s assertion with an even louder assertion of your own, try asking a simple question instead.  Say something like “Help me understand what you’ve saying.”

When you do this, the person will probably tell you he or she is right a few more times—each time less and less forcefully.  Eventually, if that person really believes you want to understand—and if you confine yourself to listening to and clarifying what that person is saying, rather than arguing—you’ll probably be amazed at how quickly the tension dissipates.  Once you show real interest in building a bridge to that person’s world, and a desire to understand how that person arrived at his or her beliefs, then a conversation can begin.  Your new friend may even invite you to explain what you’ve come to believe.  Sharing mutual empathy.  Sharing mutual respect.  It’s the first step to sharing Jesus with your family and friends—and it avoids a lot of potentially disastrous misunderstandings.

A pastor we know describes a huge misstep he made while trying to share the good news of Jesus with the people around him.

Back in the mid-1970’s (days of intense unrest in Alabama) some friends of mine decided they wanted to “witness for Jesus” out in front of the bars and strip clubs of downtown Pensacola, Florida.  Someone from the group suggested that a good way to share with people along this strip would be to carry a cross as we walked back and forth downtown and prayed.  When it was my turn to carry the cross, something happened that’s been burned into my memory ever since.

I was walking along Palafox street carrying that 6-foot cross and leading a few brave warriors behind me.  When I came to a crosswalk, a dignified black man stepped in front of me and pulled back his coat to reveal a pearl-handled .38 special.  In a quiet but ominous voice he drawled, “KKK boy?”

“No sir,” I stammered, utter terror filling my words, “We’re just Christians walking around with a cross and . . .  uh . . . praying for the city—we never thought . . . uh  . . . I’m sorry if we’ve offended you in any way, sir!”  Casting me a look of intense disgust, he rolled his eyes, closed his coat to cover the gun, and quietly walked away.

This encounter wasn’t just terrifying; it was a defining moment for my life and my ministry.  That night I realized communicating the gospel isn’t just a matter of how positive my intentions are.  What others perceive and believe matters as much or more!

The need to demonstrate that you’re right can obscure the good news of Jesus’ love all together.  After all, in the end, it’s not about winning arguments, it’s about winning people’s hearts.  Maybe that’s why—as we’ve pointed out before—Romans 2:4 asks, “Don’t you realize that God’s kindness is meant to turn you away from your sins?” (NIRV).  It’s not a winning debate, or a carefully structured argument that will turn people away from sins—it’s God’s kindness, flowing through you.  Those who are close to us can be some of the hardest people to convince anyway—don’t let competitive arguments and never-ending debates make it even harder.

Sharing the Wonder

One of the keys to sharing Jesus’ love with people is to share in their wonder of the world.  We call it “Active Wondering.”  It’s taking the things you’ve heard others say and wondering about them out loud.  Again, we’re not talking about arguing or challenging—we’re talking about sharing empathy and then going one step further . . . to open up new possibilities in the conversation.  If you’ve been listening to your brother talk about visiting colleges with his kids, you might share the wonder by saying something like: “As you’ve been talking about your kids, I’ve been wondering what your dreams are for their lives.”

Though this may not sound particularly spiritual, you’ll be surprised by how quickly spiritual things come into the conversation when you engage people’s imaginations.  Wondering is spiritual by its very nature. In gardening terms, it stirs up the soil and rouses seeds that have remained dormant for years.  It’s exciting to see what sprouts pop up as loved ones begin wondering, seeking, and knocking for themselves.

After all, everyone wonders about the big questions of life.  They wonder if there is a God and what he might be like.  You can join with them in their exploration by asking things like “If God exists, what you think he’s like?  What makes God happy or sad?  What questions would you like to ask God?”  There are hundreds of great opened-ended questions you can ask to spur wonder—questions that will engage your loved one and help you share in the excitement of discovering God together.

Once your friends and family members see you aren’t trying to direct the conversation in order to “make a sale,” you’ll find most of them are very excited to wonder with you.  And don’t be afraid if questions come up you can’t answer.  Just simply say, “Wow, I don’t know the answer to that one.  Let me think about it and get back to you.”  If this happens, rejoice!  You’ve engaged someone you care about in asking, seeking, and knocking on God’s door.  And, as you share the wonder with one another, you’re discovering more about God’s nature . . . together.

You have a role to play, but God is even more interested than you are in providing answers, helping people find what they’re looking for, and opening doors of faith they can step through.

And, keep in mind that no matter what we do, sometimes those closest to us are the most hesitant to respond to what we have to say.

Jesus remarked on this saying, “A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his relatives and his own family” (Mark 6:4).  The unfortunate truth is, even if we’re as eloquent and profound as the biblical prophets—and even if we share all the empathy and wonder in the world—the people closest to us still might not respond.

Sharing the Process

Here’s some great news for everyone struggling to bring a friend or family member to Jesus: It’s not all up to you!  Though you may be tempted to believe that you’re the only one who can do the job, God himself is knocking on that person’s heart.  The Apostle Paul explained this profound truth saying, “I planted the seed in your hearts, and Apollos watered it, but it was God who made it grow (I Corinthians 3:6).  This verse makes it very clear that God wants us to share the process of bringing people into a relationship with Jesus.  You may plant some seeds in your friend or family member’s life, other Christians in that person’s workplace or neighborhood may then water those seeds, and yet another Christian may end up being the person to harvest the seeds.  Your job is to also water seeds others have planted.  Seeds of kindness need the water of prayer, listening, and friendship.  And you may also get the opportunity to harvest some seeds—to see people begin that friendship with Jesus.

But ultimately—no matter who does the watering, planting, or harvesting of those seeds—it’s God who makes them grow.  Here’s a story of what happened in Dave’s life.

One of my closest friends in college was Merry, a young woman who periodically endured what has come to be called bipolar disorder.  Her symptoms often included very intense, euphoric episodes when she’d completely lose touch with reality followed by periods when she’d plummet into suicidal depression.

One day Merry showed up at my house and I could see she was in tremendous distress.  When I asked Merry what was wrong, she crumpled into a chair and began tearfully confessing to a long list of sins she was sure were “unforgivable.”  She poured out story after story about what a mess she thought she’d made of her life.  After a few hours she was “talked-out” and “cried-out.”  So I gave her a huge hug and reminded her how much I loved her, and tried to let her know that God’s love and forgiveness were greater than any of her sins.  I explained that God desperately wanted to help her put the shattered pieces of her life back together.

As Merry walked out my door that night, I felt like a terrible failure.  Even though I’d prayed for wisdom and tried with every ounce of love and Bible knowledge I could summon to help her see God’s love, nothing had gotten through to her.  I’d come to the end of myself, so I fell on my knees and pleaded with God to send her someone who could get through to her.

Two days later I was devastated when I received the terrible news that Merry had overdosed on pills and very nearly succeeded in killing herself.  I rushed to see her in the hospital, only to find she was still in a catatonic state.  Not knowing what else to do, I read to her from the Bible and from C.S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia as she stared blankly out into space.

When Louise, one of the nurses on Merry’s unit, noticed the Bible and Narnia books on Merry’s nightstand, she began reaching out to Merry with the love of Jesus.  Without knowing it, Louise’s compassionate actions were watering seeds that I—and many others—had been planting in Merry’s heart.  Like me, Louise listened carefully and then told Merry God loved her and wanted to forgive all her sins.  And just like me, Louise explained God’s promise of abundant, overflowing life.  Only this time Merry responded.

When Merry was ready to leave the hospital she moved into a house with some of Louise’s Christian friends.  I’ll never forget the phone call I got from Merry announcing that she was getting baptized!  It seemed far too good to be true, and I’ll admit I was skeptical at the time, but God had answered my prayers.  In the hospital Merry got treatment and medication to take care of her illness, but she also found the healer of her soul.

I planted the seeds, and Louise watered them, but it was God who made them grow.

If you don’t take anything else from this reading, remember this: God loves the people you love even more than you do—and God is even more invested in reaching them than you are.  Only God is not limited by our limitations.  God puts us in families and brings people into our lives who we can gently nudge toward God—no matter where they are on their spiritual journey.  Some will be close to finding God and others will be farther away.  But just as it’s a mistake to assume you have no role in helping others toward God, it’s also a big mistake to think it’s all up to you.

Sharing the Water

The more God pours his living water into you and the more you let that love overflow into the lives of those around you, the more excited and less inhibited you’ll be in sharing.  The thirsty people around you will naturally begin watching you to try and figure out where your supply of living water is coming from.  Though they may not believe what you’re saying at first, keep on loving, listening, and wondering with them.  Watch for opportunities to overflow into their lives and let God guide and direct you in how best to serve them wherever they are in their journey to God.  That’s what we’ll talk about in the next reading: How you can serve those who are close to you—and in doing so, help them become closer to Jesus.

Getting Your Feet Wet

Make a list of open-ended, non-threatening questions about God that you can ask your family and friends.

Pray over your list and ask God to help you be empathetic and understanding of where people are coming from when you talk to them.  Ask God to open your eyes to times when you can wonder with people—asking questions from your list or other questions about God that fit naturally in your conversations.

Finally, finish your prayer by asking God to fill the lives of friends and family members with other Christians who are actively planting and watering seeds of God’s love.

The Reflection Pool

Where do you think your friends and family members are in their openness to the gospel?  Describe where you think they might be, spiritually speaking, at the moment.

• What is one way you could share empathy, kindness, and wonder with them in ways that would draw them closer to God?
• Who else in your friends’ and family members’ lives is sharing Jesus with them also?  How can you support and encourage those Christians as they share the process with you?