Many people are looking for an ear that will listen.  They do not find it among Christians, because these Christians are talking when they should be listening.” –Dietrich Bonhoeffer

It’s a gift that can radically transform you and everyone around you.  Though it isn’t expensive in terms of money, millions avoid it because they consider it to be too costly.  In a world where talk is cheap, good listening is still pure gold.  And when it comes to showing the love of Jesus to those closest to you, using your ears effectively is always more powerful than running your mouth.  We all know this, but knowing it doesn’t necessarily translate into doing.  Why not?

Many people in modern societies have become extremely impatient with the time and focus required to come to a full understanding of what the people around them are thinking and feeling.  They’re no-nonsense consumers who want quick answers to all their questions, quick solutions to all their problems, and if they’re Christians, they’re often looking for quick conversions in the lives of their family members and friends.  The author of the book of James was a no-nonsense guy, too.  He had the unenviable task of leading the first century church through some of its most powerful and turbulent seasons of growth.  James talked about being quick, too, but not in ways most of us like to hear.  A man of few words, James spoke with the quiet authority of someone who knew Jesus like a brother, saying, “. . . take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19, NIV).

There is a lot of wisdom packed into that one little sentence, so let’s break it down.  James starts with: Take note.  These days we’d say something like: Drop what you are doing and pay attention!  Get rid of all the thousand-and-one things that so easily distract you and focus!  Now that James has our undivided attention, he gets right to the point: Be quick to listen.  In other words, let the first lightning-fast impulse that passes through your brain be to zero in on precisely what the person in front of you is trying to communicate.  This quick-to-listen attitude is practically irresistible, and it’s one of the most important aspects of letting God’s love overflow from you into that next tier of the fountain—your family and friends.

Our friend Lisa is a great example of the approach we’re talking about here.  One Sunday morning a few years back, the outreach pastor from her church approached her to ask if she’d be willing to join his new evangelism team.  After considering for a moment, the first words out of her mouth were, “I’m sorry, I’m no good at evangelism!”

Since that’s what practically everyone he’d asked had said, he pressed his case a little harder.  “Wouldn’t it be exciting to help people come to know Jesus?” he asked.

“Oh,” List replied with a big smile, “I get to do that all the time!”

When the pastor asked what she meant, Lisa explained:

“Every few months God sends me a new friend to listen to.  Pretty much all I do is tune in to what’s going on in that person’s life and let the person know that I care.  Sooner or later, for some reason I don’t really understand, most of those people ask me how to get to know Jesus.  When they do, I tell them.  I can’t stand the idea of doing that high-pressure knocking on doors evangelism thing; it feels too manipulative to me.  But I love connecting with people heart to heart.”

After a moment of stunned silence, the pastor rocked back his head and roared with laughter.  He’d been swimming upstream trying to get people in his church past their fear of sharing Jesus—but obviously Lisa could teach him a thing or two.  Once he collected himself, he asked, “Just out of curiosity, how many people are we talking about?”

All Lisa could say in the moment was that she’d led so many people to the Lord she’d lost count.  But when she went home that evening her pastor’s question spurred her to look through her personal journals from the previous seven years.  When she was done, she realized that she’d befriended, listened to, and helped more than 80 people begin a personal relationship with Jesus!  Though she still doesn’t think she’s any good at evangelism, Lisa is so quick to listen that God keeps on sending her more and more friends.  And as they get to know Lisa, naturally they get to know Jesus, too.

Noticing

If you want to be as quick to listen as Lisa, it’s best to get started before the person in front of you ever opens his or her mouth.  We call this the ministry of noticing.  Just pay close attention to the person you’re with, and you’ll begin to notice subtle body language that clues you in to what that person is feeling.  You’ll notice whether the person looks happy or sad or worried or confused—and as he or she begins to talk, you’ll already be well on your way to entering your friend’s world.  As words begin flowing, put your own reactions aside so you can pay very close attention to what the person is saying.  Without moving your lips, try mentally translating what he or she is saying into your own words.  If there is a pause in the conversation every now and then, check in verbally to make sure you understand what your friend is saying.

 Lisa said she didn’t understand why the people around her ended up talking about spiritual things so often when all she did was listen.  If we were to hazard a guess, it’s probably because the listening she does is a spiritual act.  No matter what subject a friend or family member is talking about, laying down your agenda is a small way of dying to yourself and acting more like Jesus.  This is easy to say, but how do you practice dying to self?  A good first step is to tell yourself that what’s happening is not about you.  What it’s about is showing the person you’re listening to God’s love in one of the most practical ways possible; truly listening.  By laying down your own needs and interests for a little while, you are in essence saying, “I’m here for you and care deeply about what’s important to you.” And by extension, “God cares, too.”

It takes discipline to focus, but it’s not just an act or a psychological technique.  It’s being fully receptive to the person talking and treating that person with the kind of compassion and respect that says, “As far as I’m concerned, you’re the most interesting and important person in this room.”  For most people this kind of listening is not only irresistible, it’s indistinguishable from deep friendship and love.

If your friend is talking about a new job opportunity and seems pretty excited about it, and you chime in with something like, “Wow, you sound really pumped about this!” you are rejoicing with those who rejoice (Romans 12:15a).  Usually that person will respond enthusiastically and continue talking with you about the new job.  Other times that person might open a window into fears or insecurities he or she hasn’t mentioned to anyone else.  Perhaps taking this new job will mean moving or leaving important friendships behind.  In this case, your listening might become mourning with those who mourn (Romans 12:15b) as you express your sympathy or offer to pray for the person.

Once people see that you genuinely care, they tend to open up the door to more vulnerable stuff that’s on their mind.

Acceptance is Not Endorsement

 When this happens, it’s difficult for many—especially extroverts—to put challenging questions and editorial comments on hold.  That’s why James’s next point is to be slow to speak.  Unfortunately many of us (especially those who’ve grown up in religious families or gone to legalistic churches) feel an overwhelming need to parent or scold anyone who says something that doesn’t line up with what we’ve been taught.  Instead of listening, we take every opportunity to disagree or correct any beliefs and behaviors we find unacceptable.  Given this predisposition to preemptively disagree with what they think, their lifestyle choices, and even the kind of music they enjoy; it’s no wonder so many not-yet Christians see us as disagreeable people.

Being slow to speak is not only much kinder and more respectful; it goes a long way toward overcoming this perception of disagreeability.  Many Christians feel uncomfortable allowing other people to air what they truly feel and believe because Christians don’t want those people to get the impression they’re endorsing sin.  As our friend Randy Bolender often says, “We confuse acceptance with endorsement.  Just because we accept somebody doesn’t mean we endorse everything they’ve ever said . . .Acceptance is not endorsement.”

Miriam, who’d grown up in a very conservative religious household, discovered the power of this idea a few years ago.

When Miriam’s younger sister, Sarah, got divorced, rejected the faith she’d been raised in, and moved in with an atheist boyfriend; the rest of her family cut Sarah off.  Some thought even talking to Sarah while she was choosing to live in sin amounted to endorsing her wayward behavior.  Her mother said she was willing to talk to Sarah on the phone but made it clear that Sarah and her boyfriend were not welcome at family gatherings.

Miriam did not approve of her younger sister’s choices either, but she wanted to continue being part of Sarah’s life and to keep reaching out to her.  So instead of shunning Sarah and avoiding the boyfriend, Miriam visited them both more than ever before.  Miriam made a point of listening to her sister as Sarah poured out her heart and shared the feelings of rejection she was experiencing from her ex-husband and most of her family.  Miriam chose to be slow to speak about what she viewed as her sister’s spiritually unhealthy choices.  Even though Miriam was tempted from time to time, she refrained from giving moral lectures.  The fact was Sarah already knew Miriam didn’t endorse all her actions; but more importantly, Sarah knew—and experienced—Miriam’s unconditional love for her.

By the time a year had passed, Sarah and her boyfriend had changed dramatically.  Both were actively checking our Miriam’s church and taking a premarital seminar.  Today, not only are they married, but—in no small part due to Miriam’s steadfast listening—both they and their children are happily following Jesus.  Miriam’s love for Jesus had overflowed into Sarah’s life—changing Sarah’s heart along with the hearts of her whole family.  It wasn’t easy by a long shot, but Miriam’s compassionate listening without endorsement healed her family.

Being slow to put your two cents in is not only biblical; it allows the person who is talking to keep control of the direction and pace of the conversation.  We can’t overstate the importance of being slow to speak in spiritual conversations—or those that might someday move in a spiritual direction.  Good listening is like pouring water on the thirsty seeds of love we talked about in the last reading.  Seeds just naturally respond to it.

The Love Test

 As anyone who has living relatives knows, not everyone is easy to listen to.  That’s why once you’ve schooled yourself in listening quickly and talking slowly; it’s time to look at James’ final admonition: Be slow to become angry.  This one is especially hard when you’re listening to someone who knows exactly where all your hot buttons are . . . and precisely how to push them.  And push them that person usually will—right when you’re in the middle of trying to show compassion and patience.

That person might do it by mocking or putting down the things you hold most dear or bringing up some sore spot between the two of you.  We call this kind of behavior a “love test.”  Though that person probably isn’t conscious about doing it, he or she seems to delight in tweaking you in emotionally vulnerable places and watching you squirm.  And though it’s no fun for you as a listener, it quite often comes right before that person invites you into places he or she normally guards or hides from others.

The secret to passing a love test is usually to be quick to listen to God’s heart for that person, and slow to internalize the provocative words.  In other words: Love that person like God does—and don’t take his or her words personally!  It’ll take great self-control not to grab the bait being dangled in front of your nose, but passing it up can lead to some pretty exciting places.  In the story we told earlier, Miriam’s sister would constantly try to goad her into an angry outburst.  Sarah would talk about the benefits of living with her boyfriend before marriage, or speak enthusiastically of her new atheistic beliefs.  But what Miriam knew—and what we all have to recognize as we’re in these situations—is that this was Sarah’s love test.  Sarah had been rejected and abandoned by all the other Christians in her life and she expected the same thing from Miriam.  She wanted to throw the worst at Miriam to test her love and see if Miriam would still stick around.  Though it was difficult—and though she had to deny herself over and over again—Miriam passed her sister’s love tests.

But if your family and close friends are anything like ours, you probably won’t always succeed.  You’ll sometimes have to back up and apologize by saying something like, “I’m sorry, this is a tender spot for me, but I really want to understand where you’re coming from.”  It’s humbling, but the relational tension you’ll experience is a little bit like what happens to an airplane as it approaches the speed of sound.  The closer that airplane gets to the sound barrier, the more it feels like vibrations and turbulence is going to tear the plane apart.  But once the plane passes through that barrier, the flight is much faster and smoother.  Once you get past the love test, the listening will get easier and the relationship better.

Becoming Salt and Light 

Jesus could possibly have been talking about the idea of a love test when he said, “God blesses you when people mock you and persecute you and lie about you and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers” (Matthew 5:11).  Reaching out with the love of Jesus often contains within it the risk of being offended and mistreated by the very people for whom you are sacrificing.  The reality is if you act like Jesus, sometimes people will treat you like they treated him.  It doesn’t always feel good in the moment, but in the long run it’s full of blessing.  It’s one little part of being the salt of the earth and the light of the world (Matthew 5:13-15)—something we’ll talk about in the next reading.

Getting Your Feet Wet

Listen to a friend or family member for five minutes without reacting, directing, or correcting them.  See if they respond any differently than usual.  If they do, keep it up and see if it changes the spiritual climate of your relationship.

The Reflection Pool

When have you felt like someone was really listening to you?  What was that like?

• How has true listening changed a relationship for the better in your life?  Or how might it in the future?
• Who do you find it hardest to really listen to?  How can you practice sincerely listening to that person in the way this chapter describes?