You Don't Trust Me

As a parent with teenagers, that line has become something I've heard more than once. And as our kids grow, we want to develop trust without it seeming to be a constant battle. Maybe this example of how to parent teenagers can help...

Does this scenario sound familiar? "The trouble with you is that you just don't trust me. If you did, you wouldn't be asking these stupid questions about where I'm going and stuff." Britney is railing against her mom's wanting some simple explanations about the party Britney and her friends are going to.
 
We've all heard this ultimate teen manipulation. Britney expects her mom to feel guilty and back off. She's hoping to hear a response like, "Of course I trust you. All I want to know is where you're going to be and … " If this happens, this typical teen can then take mom on a series of "bird walks" until she wears down and gives in while never actually getting the information she was looking for.
 
Let's give this mom a pat on the back and an extra high five for her response.
 
"Actually Britney," she says, "there are several issues here. I trust that you are very smart, I trust that you have the best of intentions, and I trust that your short 16 years of life has yet to give you the wisdom to handle all situations."
 
"Wisdom comes from intelligence combined with experience. So, yes, I trust that your wisdom will come after a lot more experience. Until you've lived long enough to have both wisdom and intelligence, I'll be asking questions so I can share my wisdom and experience."
 
"You may attend the party when you answer my questions and when I think you have seriously considered my advice. Thank you."
 
Mom didn't fall for the "You don't trust me" manipulation. You don't have to either.
 
There is a book called Love and Logic Magic When Kids Leave You Speechless that you could keep on your nightstand. When you find it hard to answer your youngster, say, "I'm not sure how to react to that; I'll get back to you." Then go to your book for the right words.

May Parenting be a Joy,

Steve